Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Always a bohoBridesmaid, Never a bohoBride

Oh. You all thought this was going to be about me, didn't you? Jerks. That's it, I'm bucketing all of you with creepy Uncle Patrick*. There's one in every family. He always takes one too many photos: "That's right. One more. Different angle. Right there... Yep. Got it." His hugs always last a little too long, and he is the king of awkward exchanges regarding my love life, or lack thereof. 

I wonder how many times, over the course of the weekend, I will hear, "You're next!" *insert awkward dance move and soft shoulder punch* FML.

Or, after looking at all three of my nephews, he will ask, "Ready for one of your own?!?!" Yeah. Sure. Right after I choke down this Johnny Walker Black neat I'm going to browse Pottery Barn Kids for baby furniture. I hate you guys. This is about Sarah.

Since everything in this family's a competition, 1st place bridesmaid award goes to Sarah Salinas with 13 (THIRTEEN!) weddings! Bitch. And since this is my own blog post and I can be completely inaccurate, I call bull$hit on 80% of those friendships. Look ladies, don't make your bridesmaid lineup when you're drunk and roofied at a college party by your frat boy fiance. And if you're wondering where Jules and I stand in this competition I can tell you that we are lagging. I've been in three weddings (all were non-roofied decisions) and Jules has been in zero because nobody likes her.

Still, Sarah's bridesmaid skills are pretty impressive. In one wedding she went from pinch-hitter to MVP. Sarah Salinas was a stand-in! 10 years later her and the bride are best friends. In fact, this woman is now standing in Sarah's own wedding this Saturday. Ah, how I love happy endings.

So while everyone is soaking up the wedding bliss and slow dancing to 'The Power of Love' by Celine Dion, I'll be dodging awkward conversations by the punch bowl. Come find me...


*Some names have been changed to keep me from looking like a complete jerk and you can't read this anymore bc it's too small...aaaah!


  1. For your information I have been in ONE wedding, thank you very much. My friend Shelby likes me. So there, one person likes me. Thanks for bringing this to my attention, i'm gonna go cut myself now.

  2. Had one more bridesmaid backed out of my wedding Julie would have been second back up! Love y'all so much!!! Wedding week!!!

  3. Julie!
    I was kicked out of a wedding without even a phone call! :) just happy to still be in the running :)))

  4. That made me smile! Ya'll remind me so much of me and my sister sometimes! Good stuff! Congratulations Sarah!

  5. grace and i BOTH got booted from the same wedding this year! LOL! sistas gotta stick together, boot one you boot us both. WEDDING WEEK!!!

  6. OMG Hillarious!!!! I'm dying right now.....in bed with my glass of red wine.. yes it spilled on my white sheets....its ok though