Thursday, July 3, 2014

If I hear one of these comments one more time, you might see my face on the News.....you've been warned.

Apparently men need a rule book on what NOT to say to pregnant women. It's incredible what will come out of your mouths, so let me give you a quick little list of things you should never say to a hormonal, bitchy, hot, uncomfortable, and probably sleep deprived pregnant woman. 

1) "Are you sure you aren't having twins??!?!"   
Ummm for starters, she is sure, you dip shit. And if by chance she IS carrying twins then she is double hormonal, double uncomfortable, and double sleep deprived so you should double shut the eff up. 

2) "You look like you are about to pop!"
First of all, we don't 'pop'. Our stomachs don't all of a sudden EXPLODE and a baby appears, so you're a moron. Secondly, you basically just called a woman fat, and you tell me, where in the WORLD that is ever okay?! Huh?? That's what I thought, zip it.  

3) "You get bigger and bigger every time I see you!?" 
No shit Sherlock. What are you a doctor?! Hey genius, guess what, that is what happens! Once again, you're a moron.  

4) "I'm not gonna have to deliver a baby on this elevator am I?!"
Seriously? Seriously? We are going down ONE floor, and if by some awful chance in HELL this thing gets stuck, you can bet your ass I will deliver this baby BY MYSELF. And don't ever mention the delivery process because now we feel like you are thinking of our lady parts which makes us want to kick you in the shin. Oh, and in case you forgot, you are a moron. 

5) "You sure you aren't having that baby tomorrow??"
Once again. SHE IS SURE. She is also 100% sure that YOU my friend, are a moron. 

Men, my advice to you is simple. Assume ALL pregnant women are VERY aware of the size of their belly, and are exhausted from carrying around the future of the human race. So when you feel the urge to hear your self speak try to remember what your poor mother taught you, if you don't have anything nice to say, then SHUT UP. And if you are just one of those dudes that has a terrible case of diarrhea of the mouth, then my well wishes to you because pregnant women have a much better chance in court than your moronic ass.

That's all.

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