Nannygate

I took on this nanny gig to bring in some extra income while Prohibition remains under construction. It's been great and rewarding and fulfilling and I love getting to be a kid again, but I am F'ING TIRED man. You want to know what I just googled? 'I feel so drained after dealing with a toddler'. I felt incredibly stupid as I was typing it but still, I continued in search of someone who might tell me that I'm simply unhealthy and what I really need is more protein and less alcohol. Instead I have stumbled upon a plethora of poor, parenting souls who are just as tired and still have to continue on with their daily lives...and these people have REAL jobs! How do they do it with all of the critical thinking involved? On one hand I'm trying to outsmart the lil' tyke by essentially tricking her into everything: 'It's not a bed, it's a magical cloud made for pretty pretty princesses! See watch...' Then I try to gracefully fall onto the bed without instantly falling asleep and leaving her unattended. On the other hand, I feel as if my brain has atrophied because my daily arithmetic consists of counting from 1 to 20. Over. And over. And over. 

My creative genius has died of fatigue. It's like someone has taken my brain and wrung it out. I'm plum out of nap-time stories. Don't even ask. My next one will probably sound like this, 'Once upon a time a princess named Marlobora smoked her first cigarette. Then she coughed up blood and died. The end.' Then I'll leave and feel guilty for being an asshole and go back and tell her the most elaborate story I can come up with. I can already see it, I'll be drying my tears, having unloaded a fairytale metaphor for some pathetic phase in my life that I would never repeat to a grown adult, and she'll bat her pretty eyes and say, 'Anudder one!'. Ingrate. 

I used to think: How do parents do it?! Now I know. You're all tired. You're all so fucking sleepy. Every single one of you needs a nap and a vacation and a drink and maybe some crystal meth. 

One might assume that a nanny would have some profound perspective on parenting. Well you know what, I can't help you. And google can't help you. And nobody can help you but God Himself. Say your prayers and may the force be with you. 

In God's Guide to Parenting We Trust,

Grace