Tuesday, November 18, 2014

bohoSingles: Another One Bites The (Crop) Dust

So I had been seeing this guy Jerky* for way longer than I'd ever like
to admit. It was the night before Thanksgiving and I was tearing up
the dance floor in an empty dive bar with my girlfriends. Just then a
tall, handsome, young man approached me and we had instant chemistry.
We danced and then I tried to snub him for the rest of the night (which
means I either like you or I don't like you- in this case I liked him). He
was persistent in an endearing way so I gave him my number and we met
up later the next week.

About a month later he invited me to meet his parents. It was nice but
also a bit awkward. Jerky and I were still getting to know one another
so to do the family thing was weird. Still, I went with the flow. His
parents were lovely but still there was nothing earth-shattering about
our meeting. After a while things started to fizzle out and I could
sense he felt the same way. I called it off thinking he was on the
same page. Well, I guess his ego got a little dinged up because he
went straight into insult-mode. He blurted that he didn't want to stay
with me anyway because he couldn't justify dating a 'dancer'. Um,
ex-squeeze me?!

Needless to say, we went our separate ways.

I hadn't spoken to him for a few months when randomly I received a
phone call. His charm totally made me forget how dumb he was so I
agreed to see him again.

You see, Jerky's jerky to hot ratio was pretty impressive. For every
one jerky thing he said, he would do 10 hot things without saying a word 
such as sitstand, walk, check his phone, drive, buy lunch, smile, breathe,
 blink and even laugh. That's 11 things, y'all! Hey, I'm only human.

Then, came the fateful day that ended the most shallow relationship in
the world.

It was sunny, the weather was crisp and I was ready to have lunch with
my fake boyfriend. He pulled up, I hopped in and was reaching for my
seat-belt when the smell of rotten eggs hit me like a shot of mace.
Jerky had been car-farting all the way from his office to mine. My
life flashed before my burning eyes and I saw myself die a slow and
stinky death brought on by my own carelessness.

For the entire ride I did the Robert DeNiro: nostrils flared and
corners of my mouth turned down. I couldn't even hide my disgust.

Later that week I sent him a simple text that said, 'I'm not
interested in continuing this.' To which he replied, 'OK.'

Another one bites the dust.

And that concludes another inspiring relationship story. 


*names have been changed to protect privacy

And now for everyone's Robert DeNiro stanky face...

1 comment:

  1. Omg Grace. I'm so sorry this guy was a jerk. We both know dancers are THE BEST. Confident, sexy, smart, emotionally intelligent, open, artsy, free spirited, fit, fun...etc... anyway...the FARtS. hahahahahaha...this post makes me miss you so much.