bohoSingles: Another One Bites The (Crop) Dust

So I had been seeing this guy Jerky* for way longer than I'd ever like

to admit. It was the night before Thanksgiving and I was tearing up

the dance floor in an empty dive bar with my girlfriends. Just then a

tall, handsome, young man approached me and we had instant chemistry.

We danced and then I tried to snub him for the rest of the night (which

means I either like you or I don't like you- in this case I liked him). He

was persistent in an endearing way so I gave him my number and we met

up later the next week.

About a month later he invited me to meet his parents. It was nice but

also a bit awkward. Jerky and I were still getting to know one another

so to do the family thing was weird. Still, I went with the flow. His

parents were lovely but still there was nothing earth-shattering about

our meeting. After a while things started to fizzle out and I could

sense he felt the same way. I called it off thinking he was on the

same page. Well, I guess his ego got a little dinged up because he

went straight into insult-mode. He blurted that he didn't want to stay

with me anyway because he couldn't justify dating a 'dancer'. Um,

ex-squeeze me?!

Needless to say, we went our separate ways.

I hadn't spoken to him for a few months when randomly I received a

phone call. His charm totally made me forget how dumb he was so I

agreed to see him again.

You see, Jerky's jerky to hot ratio was pretty impressive. For every

one jerky thing he said, he would do 10 hot things without saying a word 

such as sit, stand, walk, check his phone, drive, buy lunch, smile, breathe,

 blink and even laugh. That's 11 things, y'all! Hey, I'm only human.

Then, came the fateful day that ended the most shallow relationship in

the world.

It was sunny, the weather was crisp and I was ready to have lunch with

my fake boyfriend. He pulled up, I hopped in and was reaching for my

seat-belt when the smell of rotten eggs hit me like a shot of mace.

Jerky had been car-farting all the way from his office to mine. My

life flashed before my burning eyes and I saw myself die a slow and

stinky death brought on by my own carelessness.

For the entire ride I did the Robert DeNiro: nostrils flared and

corners of my mouth turned down. I couldn't even hide my disgust.

Later that week I sent him a simple text that said, 'I'm not

interested in continuing this.' To which he replied, 'OK.'

Another one bites the dust.

And that concludes another inspiring relationship story. 

bohoGrace

*names have been changed to protect privacy

And now for everyone's Robert DeNiro stanky face...