A supernatural being onstage, she is as human and vulnerable and genuine as you and I when the spotlight is off. This makes her even more magical.
Everybody, meet Miss Kaleena Sue.
Everybody, meet Miss Kaleena Sue.
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A note. A little about Miss Kaleena Sue.
I’m very excited to be here.
But, here’s the reality. I am too sensitive. I love too deeply. And trust my gut too carefully due to all the hurt I am willing to absorb from others. I have friends that last forever because of this and get rid of the excess pretty easily and unapologetically. They’ll find their own way so it’s never a hard loss.
Looking back is not something I like to do these days. It’s filled with deep depression, homelessness, unrequited love, pain, rejection and being alone with a girl who has a song to encapsulate every moment, a tear for every person she loves and misses, a smile and a laugh for every stupid mistake she has ever made, a cookie for every person who doesn’t really like her, a face smoosh for every person who does, but still detests her own reflection.
It wasn’t too long ago when I knew exactly where I needed to be. I fit effortlessly in the cogs and mechanics of life and art and beauty and peace and song and dance and I had a stance; EVERYONE! BE KIND!
I had no idea the specifics on how to make that happen. I live life in the vaguest noncommittal way. When asked, my response is always “I just want to make you happy!"
But, here’s the reality. I am too sensitive. I love too deeply. And trust my gut too carefully due to all the hurt I am willing to absorb from others. I have friends that last forever because of this and get rid of the excess pretty easily and unapologetically. They’ll find their own way so it’s never a hard loss.
But, today. These past 8 months since being back home. I am still acclimating. My progress is attributed to the full force hurricane of silent sobs on couches and tip-toeing to bathrooms that aren’t mine. There is a standard. At my age. I no longer fit into this machine and I have to Be The Standard in order to be looked at fondly again….or loved. Financial independence, thats step one. In a world that is so overly saturated with fun free things to do all day on your modern day mobile device. The minuscule fee required for instant gratification is daunting. It’s horrifying. It’s honestly starving me. And what do I have but a voice and a body but only to entertain you with. Why pay for that? When there’s YouTube!
Let’s just say I’m kind of looking at life as A Long Way Down…Nick Hornby style.
But, today. Today, I had a friend sit next to me on her newly delivered POOL BLUE sofa that I’ve been sleeping on for a wonderful month now. And we’re sitting. She’s playing video games like the beautiful and one-of-a-kind nerd that she is. And I’m thinking, “God, she is so beautiful. How could someone so beautiful be so kind and so maternal and open her arms to so many people who need help and kindness in a world where none is to be found?”
Then it hits me. She has hand selected with great scrutiny every wonderful person in her life. Her world. And I’M a part of it. ME? The girl who looks at herself and physically gets sick? Why?
Yesterday? I had tacos with another friend that I somehow created a lifelong bond with in a matter of months, and we’re sitting. And I’m listening to all her ideas and her pure unadulterated happiness and acceptance for the chaotic nature of life. She is so refreshing. And I think, “she has been a guiding light, just like my roommate, always there to cheer me up, always there to pump me up, always there to listen and share new ideas and meaningful cigarettes”
Why? I’ve done nothing to deserve this!
I have another friend who somehow operates as my biggest confidant and biggest fan and has integrated me into an amazing and accepting and grounded family that just knows how to love so well! not to mention, offered this amazing platform to connect with you all and share my head.
And the one man, whom I adore and love unconditionally because I know all about him, his truths, his flaws, his nature, the one man I love so deeply and so purely that I looked at him and thought, “Nope, Kaleena. GTFO….he’s too good.” Everyday, I’m here for him and he’s there for me. Everyday. Only thing separating us is The Standard, my low self-esteem and inability to obtain it and 1,628 miles and etc. It’s a pretty long list, admittedly.
But, last week. I sang. I sang loud and clear and well and I was wearing costumes custom made for me and I had glitter and applause I looked to my left and saw my friends, my comrades, my saviors. I looked to my right and didn’t even notice the exit. I looked down and saw my shoes sparkling brilliantly from the spotlight and when I looked up there was no ceiling.
Love,
bohoGrace
